Loyal to love but not to lover
I got a call from Eva and I was surprised. We only met on one side. It was at a friend’s birthday party. When Eva got drunk that day, there was a big mess.
”I’m really sorry, that disappointed everyone that day.
Eva’s sincerity on the phone surprised me a little bit. Besides knowing that she was the PR director of an advertising media company, I met her strangely. How could a drunk be the reason to solemnly apologize?
“I really want to talk to you well, not to mention work, I think we should be good friends.
Eva’s sluggish voice made me feel a lonely soul eager to talk.
”Will you fall in love?
I think I am already.
Eva said that she can’t do without love. Only when she is in love can she feel the joy of life. “Loyal to love but not lover” has become a 29-year-old Eva’s holy book of love.
One is probably the natural fear of marriage, or Pisces likes to be free and easy. In 1999, I decided to leave my boyfriend who fell in love for 3 years.
It was a fleeing marriage that was not an escape. Taking a wedding photo, the wedding was a matter of course.
But the word “marriage” hangs like a sharp sword, besides panic or panic, so the excuse for the beloved advertising business, the excuse of disagreement, I got that beautiful photo album and disappeared from my boyfriend’s life.
My behavior not only made my parents antagonize, but also hurt my boyfriend deeply. I admit that it was an injury that affected his future love life.
In the material city of Shanghai, his material conditions are very good. The house and the car are all prepared for me. He is an excellent white-collar worker in his financial field and has a bright future at his fingertips.
Abandoning these material conditions, everyone thinks I am crazy, only I know that what I desire more is freedom.
Freedom needs to be replaced by cost. Besides working hard, my relationship life is not smooth, but it can also be called gorgeous.
From the end of 1999 to the end of 2000, I experienced three more love affair in a year, several sexual encounters, the time was extended for only one month, I experienced the fireworks-like love, and knew what one-night stand is.
Sometimes love is like this, it can be a smelt of alcohol, or it can be a fleeting firework. When it is over, it will be smashed.
I like the taste of love. Women in love are the most beautiful. The kind of sweet nourishment makes women younger and more energetic.
Picasso’s phrase “Loyal to love but not to lover” makes sense, and I take it as my love motto.
Do you believe in constellations?
I am convinced.
Pisces loves freedom, it is a complete complement to every love, love is alive; but love is gone, the fish will regain their mood and wait for the next love.
Pisces and Taurus are very compatible on the star edge. When I met Chen Er of Taurus, it really worked.
When I saw Chen Er, I was returning to Shanghai under the sunshine of Shangri-La, when I just broke up with an admiring man.
I remember a friend called that day to say there was a poetry party in the evening. In an unknown little bar, the focus of the guest was Chen Er.
Chen Er, the name I saw in the newspaper faintly is strange, except I know he is a writer, poet, from Nanjing, I know nothing else.
When I drove from Huashan Road to Zhenning Road and followed a friend’s direction into a lane, a small bar quietly flashed its sign in the depths of the lane.
It was past 11pm when I arrived, and I heard that the poetry conference was over. The tables in the bar were sculpted into strips. From here to there, more than 30 people sat around.
The table is full of beer bottles, empty or full, the background music is lined with smoke, and the loud poets, the bar atmosphere is psychedelically back to the 80s.
I greeted a few friends who did n’t know much and was about to slip away, “Eva, introduce a friend to you!
“Fat Xiaodou stood up from the other side of the crowd and smiled loudly at me.
I saw Chen Er sitting next to Xiaodou.
Thin, pair of black-rimmed glasses, a book full of annoyed men at first glance, I went forward and said a few words, leaving each other phone numbers.
Probably nothing to say, or poetry may be too unfamiliar to me. That day, I left the bar not long after that. What I can remember is that white scholar face.
Later we started to make some phone calls. I told him that he could find me on the Internet, so he bought a laptop and went online.
That year, I was 26 and he was 40. What can we talk about?
From the very first greetings to the later life, art, religion, ideals, reality, we chatted across the sea, and finally the topic stayed in love.
He said that he had a failed marriage, and he said that if he found a good girl he wanted to marry again and build a stable family, the turbulent emotional life he was tired of was tired.I have nothing to say except comfort.
“I love you.
“I just entered the chat room one afternoon, and Chen Er’s words suddenly jumped out.
Looking at this sentence on the computer screen, I was stunned. To tell the truth, I hate people who easily say love. Love is sacred to me, true love is in my heart, not so easy to say.
Arithmetic and Chen Er realized that they were familiar for less than three months. We just stayed at the chat place of our friends and did not confide in love.
But as a chatter these days, I have a good impression of Chen Er, especially his talent, I really admire it.
I thought about it and sent him a past: “How long can you love me?
“After a few minutes, the other party did not respond, and I think this problem may embarrass our poet.
Then my phone rang, it was Chen Er.
“Whether you believe it or not, what I said is true, and my attitude is very sincere.
“I couldn’t help laughing, laughing at his sincere cuteness and the way he explained it.
Three love is always wonderful, we merged the phone and talked through the night, neither side felt tired, and the spiritual dependence became our greatest happiness.
When the new year came in 2001, I finally took the first step and went to Nanjing to meet with Chen Er again.
That night, he took me to meet almost all his friends in Nanjing. His friends were happy for him, and everyone shared his happiness.
Avoiding the crowd at the New Year party, we kissed, stroked, made love in his hut, and the lava of love burst out.
Chen Er decided to leave Nanjing, where he hadn’t left for decades, to come to Shanghai to live with me. Before spring came, I looked around and thought about where our little home would be settled.
Finally, I rented a two-bedroom house on Xiangyang North Road, which was very close to the company, so I started busy furnishing the room again to welcome his arrival.
After Chen Er settled her mother on a vacation in the south, he came to Shanghai and we had a little life.
Except for the occasional small douche, and except for Chen Er’s occasional poetic temper, our days together were happy.
Every day I go to work, he writes at home; I leave work on time and on time, he always picks me home from the first lane of my company.
The kind of gentle love after the fierceness I have never experienced before. I even thought that it would be okay to live like this for a lifetime.
Three months passed quickly, Chen Er’s mother returned to Nanjing from a holiday in the south, and he will return to Nanjing.
Chen Er hoped that I could go to Nanjing to marry him, but I was unable to decide to leave Shanghai.
Nanjing has his mother, friends, and familiar writing environment. He can’t live without Nanjing, I can understand it. I can’t live without Shanghai. Although not an authentic Shanghai native, I have been studying and working in Shanghai for several years.Here is my job, not to mention that Shanghai’s development potential and space are much larger than Nanjing. I can’t make up my mind to come to Nanjing. What’s more important is how to give my parents a perfect account.
So these problems that broke down in our hearts broke out, quarreled, and doubt began to occur.
”Why can’t you go to Nanjing?
What’s so good about Shanghai?
“When can we get married?”
With such separation, the hope of marriage can only be getting smaller and smaller . “” Why don’t you introduce me to your parents?
What am I not seeing?
In the face of these questions, I cannot answer. In order to take care of the poet’s sensitive and fragile self-esteem, I can only be silent.
My parents’ objection is only my responsibility. He is divorced, the age is too different, and more importantly, he is a neurotic poet. No matter how talented he is, his parents will never accept him. They hope that I can findMan who really can live.
And I myself have a fear of getting married, always afraid that those trivial things destroy the purest love.
Helpless, sad, how many tears only swallowed.
None of these Chen Er knows, maybe he can detect it sensitively, but I am afraid to talk about marriage, I only escape the problem again and again.
In this way he lived a single life with a nominal girlfriend in Nanjing. I was still busy in Shanghai and we became lovers on the telephone line.
The last time I saw Chen Er was last fall, and it was also our love that lasted for two years.
In the name of lovers, we are more like long-distance relatives.
He came to see me in Shanghai, and we talked the same way as before and met friends, but we felt each other included something.
I have treated Chen Er numbly, and carried out certain obligations like proceduralization, and even made love, barely. I can no longer find the passion and tenderness.I began to wonder if I still loved him, what’s the point of maintaining this relationship if I don’t love it?
Chen Er also changed a lot, no longer arguing, just sitting silently on a stool and smoking, I could feel that his eyes had never left me, and those once familiar eyes were full of doubt, worry, anxiety and wandering.
”do you still love me?
“” Let’s talk about it.
“” If we don’t love, just break up.
“A series of questions made me speechless. I confessed that I was cowardly. I never dared to face his problems. I chose silence again.
After a silent night, Chen Er returned to Nanjing with grief and anger.
I didn’t keep him. I kept silent listening to his voice going down a long distance, and my heart was empty, presumably leaving him with indifferent scars.
Memoirs drinking afternoon tea in the camphor garden and listening to Eva telling her story and love theory.
Sometimes mature and sometimes with girlish fantasy, Eva is changeable.
It was as if her pure face was keeping the 29-year-old secret.
She said that she would be sad every time she broke up with her boyfriend. After all, she was devoted to distorted feelings, especially to Chen Er, which was a kind of deep-seated love.
Eva kept stirring the black tea in the cup with a spoon. The most she asked was: “Do I really have a marriage disorder?”
“She blamed herself once for cowardice and escaped, but her big bright eyes quickly told you that she could only find happiness in non-stop non-stop love.
Towards the end, Eva said she smelled of love again, and now another man came into her life, “I cherish it.
I think I will be happy someday.
“Looking at her sunny smile, I can only wish Eva to take control of herself on the street car of Love Desire, stop building a love house in the sand and waste his youth, and find my true destination earlier.